(Adapted from Sleeping Through the Night: How Infants, Toddlers, and Their Parents Can Get a Good Night's Sleep)
Bedtime fears are the most common fears experienced by young children. Bedtime fears typically involve being scared of the dark. This is normal and part of normal development. Fear of the dark develops as children begin to understand that they can get hurt or be harmed. Once children understand this concept, it will take some time for them to understand what is likely to harm them versus what is not. Situations in which they are alone and it is dark are prime times for children to beafraid. It is important, however, for children to learn how to cope with this fear and understand that they are not in danger. This is in contrast to a situation in which a child is not likely to be afraid but could possibly be in danger. Think of all the times that parents tell children never to accept candy from strangers or to take rides from someone they don't know. These situations are not scary to children as most adults that they have had contact with are safe and have been nice to them. So, part of being a parent is helping your child to develop realistic fears and distinguish them from unrealistic fears. This process will take some time.
What to Do if Your Child is Afraid at Bedtime
Dealing with a child who is afraid of the dark or scared to go to bed at night is like walking a tightrope. It is a fine line between wanting to reassure him and not wanting to reinforce his fears. If you ignore his fears, you feel cold and unfeeling. If you reassure him too much, you may be subtly giving the message that there is something to be afraid of. Most children will outgrow their fears, but in the meantime here are some things that you may want to try.
Reassurance. It is important to reassure your child. He needs to learn how to cope with fearful situations. Talk about how you deal with something that you are afraid of. Read stories about children who are afraid and conquer their fears, such as There's a Monster in My Closet by Maurice Sendak.
Monster spray. Many families have found "monster spray," which uses imagination to fight an imaginary object, to be a wonderful way to help their child cope with bedtime fears. Take a spray type water bottle and fill it with water (be sure that it has not previously had any chemicals in it such as plant food). Label it in large letters "monster spray" or "boogie man spray" or whatever your child calls what he is afraid of. At bedtime, you or your child can spray the room to keep the monsters away. During the night, if your child gets scared, he can also spray the monsters away.
Use your imagination. Use your imagination to fight monsters. In addition to monster spray you can make up other things that will help your child. For young children, logic isn't important. If it works, go with it. One family had a large old cat, Opus. They told their son, Jason, that Opus stays up at night and makes sure that everyone is safe. Of course Opus would spend the night sleeping in his usual spot on the couch, but Jason felt safe believing that Opus was on patrol.
Set limits. At the same time that you are reassuring your child, you do need to set limits. Setting limits is necessary to prevent your child's "being scared" behavior from being reinforced. Checking closets and leaving a low nightlight on is reasonable, but spending an hour every night reassuring your child is not.
Star system. Some children are reinforced for being scared at night. They may get lots of attention for being afraid or get special treats. If this is the case, switch the scenario. Give your daughter lots of attention for dealing with her fears. Tell her how proud you are of her for being brave. Set up a star system. She earns stars for being brave and sleeping on her own. After earning a certain number of stars, she can turn them in for a treat, such as watching a favorite video, going to the park, or baking chocolate chip cookies with you.
Relaxation training. You can also teach your child relaxation strategies to help her relax at bedtime and fall asleep. This will give her something else to think about while lying in bed and help distract her from her fearful thoughts.
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